I'm going to admit up front that this is not a happy or fun post. I am angry. Angry at my disease, angry at my body, angry at myself.
It's been a couple of weeks since I've started a more healthy and natural approach to treating my RA. It hasn't been helping. I know I need to give it more time to see if things improve, but with the holidays it's been rough. I have been in pain every day and I'm so tired, fed up, depressed, and yes angry. I hate the fact that RA can change my life so much!
I started back on prednisone hoping to be able to get things done around the house for the holidays. I felt okay yesterday and decided to get the front yard work done. I was able to do that and was so happy to accomplish something. Today, I have been in bed all day in pain. I am so pissed that my body can betray me this way! I have so many things to do, and I'm stuck in bed in pain and crying over all of this. I just want a normal holiday season. I want to be able to put up decorations, enjoy time with friends and family, appreciate the spirit of the season, put up a Christmas tree without suffering with excruciating pain from doing such simple tasks! If people only knew what Rheumatoid Arthritis does to a person, they would be shocked.
I know I should be more cheerful, happy, etc., but sometimes there's only so much you can take until your spirit is broken. Right now, I feel defeated. My shoulders feel like they are being pulled out of their sockets. My arms hurt all the way to the bones. My hips are in pain and it makes it almost impossible to rest. At this moment, I hate my life. I'm sick of all of the bullshit with rheumatologists, doctors, insurance companies, drugs, the constant pain, and the fact that I can no longer do what I used to be able to do...
I'm always one to plan things, to have hopes and dreams of things to do or be, and I can't do that anymore. I feel like I've lost myself. I hope things somehow get better, but I'm not sure they will. I've tried to keep a positive attitude, and somehow I've lost it. If someone finds it, kindly send it back my way...
Grrrr.... I understand and I am mad too, for you, me, all of us with this nasty disease. I've been sick, fevers, infections, and have to delay my biologic. I am fearful the pain and swelling will return, but even more afraid of being curled in a ball for days with raging fever. I want normal again! I find you find at least a small bit of normal during the holidays. (((gentle hug)))
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're dealing with what you're going through also Joan. This disease is a real pain in the ass. When I was on Actemra, my body felt better but I did deal with 3 upper respiratory infections... I hope your infections clear up and you can get back on the biologic.
ReplyDeleteI think part of my problem emotionally is putting expectations on myself. I think I can do all of these things, then get so upset when RA stops me in my tracks. I'm also torn about whether to go on another biologic or not.
Try to enjoy the holiday season. It only comes around once a year!
It's hard, this disease. It knocks us down just when we most want the most to be "normal" and healthy, just when there are so many things we need to do, want to do and have to do. It's OK to be angry. It creates focus. Use your anger now to focus on what you really need to and have to get done between now and Christmas, and then use it to set yourself a schedule for doing those things in a way that will keep you from injuring yourself. RA just IS. The trick is learning how to work around it.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you. Sending all the warmth, comfort and care I can your way. Take care of yourself first, OK?
Thank you Wren. I understand that we must live our lives no matter what RA sends our way. It's just difficult sometimes, and it's good to take a time out. I don't like getting angry, but sometimes it helps me to refocus... I'm going to do my best to enjoy this holiday season and I hope we all do so!
ReplyDeleteHi RAJourneys...I get this, totally. I think you're on to something when you talk about expectations.
ReplyDeleteI told my kids once that I've laid in bed, incredulous, because I can't believe that it takes this much effort to move. It almost makes me laugh, it's so ridiculous.
I thing anger is a normal reaction. I like to throw in "laughing at this ridiculous disease."
My advice? Acknowledge it. Get power from it. And then move.
I'll leave you with a quote that really does inspire me, tell me what you think. It's from the book/movie "Precious".
"The other day, I cried. But you know what? F*** that day. That's why God, or whoever, makes other days."
Kiki,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the quote! Great way to look at life. We have to keep going and not give up.
I am feeling better. I think we just have times when we break and we need a little time to put ourselves back together again. Then continue the fight to carry on!
Michelle
I love that quote too, and the movie. Both are so powerful and inspiring.
ReplyDeleteI have been battling the same pain and frustration for several weeks now, on top of a questionable marriage. At one point, I felt like telling everyone to F--- Off and leave me alone! Surprisingly, I did not go there. I simply found some ME time, to decompress, reflect, and re-focus.
I agree, this disease can and will take its toll on you physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Kiki is so right, we have to acknowledge it, get power from it, and then move on.
Michelle, I hope you found peace this holiday season and I pray for strength for ALL of us!
XOXO, Tim
I just ran across your blog and I feel the exact same way. I am tired of the pain, limited lifestyle and my western medicine Drs. I would like to wake up tomorrow and feel the sigh of relief that this is all a bad dream.
ReplyDeleteNo one can positively be very relaxed and happy with so much pain.But keep hope and trust in the medical help that we have and consult as many best experts as you can.
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